Be Kind, take baby steps – this is grief

Shock, awe, frustration, grief… Change hurts at the best of times (let’s be honest) but this is at a new level.

Coronavirus has turned our worlds upside down, hurt loved ones (emotionally, physically and economically) and left us racing around and often feeling inadequate.

We’re grieving, plain and simple. So what do we do?

I’m still in my forties but like most I’ve been through change and grief. The death of my father in my mid teens after a long illness, my mother passing twenty five years later, eleven days after they stopped ‘end of life’ support. (It wasn’t pretty.) Numerous friends, increasingly of a similar age, no longer here.

It’s made me reflect on how I (and friends and colleagues) are feeling right now and how we’ve come through change and grief before. Our in built coping mechanisms and defences will often dictate our response. This is a chasm of ups and downs, not a straight line of progress. But there is an end.

This is shock

You get the phone call at 3.40am. It’s expected, and you had ‘prepared yourself’ but it stings. You thought you were ready but you weren’t. You sob. It’s a primeval reaction. You make lists (ok, that’s my default behaviour).

There are things to do. You need to tell people. You need to support others through their emotion and reaction. There are practical steps – registering the death, arranging the funeral, notifying agencies. Curveballs – why do we need a coroner all of a sudden when someone spent the last fourteen days of their life in hospital? It gets done.

People ask if you’re ok (clearly not but you can’t say that). Ask what they can do to help (you have no idea). Your executive functioning system has gone off on leave. 

You keep adding to your list and working through it. It’s a distraction. It ‘helps’.

You find things to do. Running seminars, delivering value for clients or colleagues. It detaches and distracts you. We don’t know what we don’t know and for those of us who need more certainty it’s crippling.

Be kind to yourself and to others – talk and listen but make space for yourself when you need it. We just need to do the necessary and keep moving as best we can. Aims are good but be gentle. If you think you know what someone needs then just do (offer rather than ask them to choose).

Frustration follows

You get angry. Not at anyone or anything in particular. Things are different. What you took for granted isn’t there anymore – it doesn’t just work. You’re different – sometimes frustrated, sometimes apathetic, sometimes hard nosed and too driven, sometimes careless, often fearful. Things aren’t going how they’re supposed to be going. You resist because it’s all you can do.

You get depressed. Maybe not clinically depressed but certainly low mood, lacking in energy and conviction. You can push people away. You’re tired, so tired.

The list isn’t working anymore. Nothing is working anymore. It doesn’t ‘help’. Everything feels uncertain. We know what we don’t know – that’s painful.

Express what you can in your safe space. Find a listening ear and have someone watching out for you. Don’t be the person who takes on everyone’s grief – even counsellors need and get support.

Hope

You wake up one day and recognise the sunshine, the colours of nature. You have ideas, reflections. You feel something emerging. You’re not 100% but you feel more comfortable around everybody again. 

You start adding structure, saying yes to good opportunities rather than defaulting yes or no based on emotive reaction. You’re testing and exploring. You’re not fighting it anymore.

You know what you know and that feels good. You start to make more impact, targeted, you feel you again.

Allow space to reflect, to bargain with yourself but also to define some goals and expectations. Talk and share, reflect what you are grateful for. Learn what’s going well and challenge what still needs to improve.

Acceptance

Gradually, almost without noticing, you are different. The ‘new normal’ is just normal. You miss them, but you remember. There is context. You reinforce the new, appreciate what’s different whilst still accepting the loss. You move forward, together, with support.

The new world isn’t better (or worse), it just is. And that’s ok. Like green shoots, there are new opportunities. Keep building. 

You don’t know what you know (and you don’t need to). You just do it and it works.

And so it goes…

We weren’t designed to evolve so quickly but we can get through. All change is challenging. We move through an initial numb response to action response to bargaining and then through to acceptance. We need the right combination of emotional support and our own space at the right time. One size doesn’t fit all. 

Don’t do change alone. Don’t be too brave. Don’t worry about feeling inadequate (we almost all do). Reach out and share. We’re all challenged here but together we can all make a difference in our own way.

Be kind (including to yourself). Remember you’re grieving. One day it will be ok again.

In memory of my parents and of my friend and colleague Michael Mallows who taught me about change, listening, humanity, system 1 and 2 thinking and so much more besides.